Well, it's the last day. Once more, Holidailies has provided me with a place to dump thoughts, even if not all of them were terribly brilliant. I enjoy writing during this month, and who knows, maybe this time I'll even update more regularly than every 6 months or so!
After such a stressful year, I've tried to take the last two weeks to process what has happened and come up with a direction to go in for the next year. One of the curious things about humans is our general resiliency. We may have terrible experiences in one year, but still, at the end of that year, we have hope that we can do better, something will go our way. Some call this foolishness because it can never be perfect. I call it brilliance; without this hope, we would be dead in the water.
Those with no hope never go anywhere, they never change their lives for the better. They may look like they're trying sometimes, but ultimately you can't move forward unless you can see an actual path to walk on.
I try to enter each year with a lot of hope. At the beginning of 2016, my main hope was to survive school and accomplish the goal of completing my teaching credential. Maybe the other stuff surrounding that didn't go as planned, but as an overarching goal, it worked. I accomplished the goal and did a few other things besides. Almost won NaNo (winning would have been an actual miracle of extended time in the day), managed to write here 30 out of 31 days. Got more involved in the soccer world digitally and in person, which was basically my only hobby aside from school.
There were definitely things that I wouldn't like to repeat, but then again, that is a source of hope. Hope that I can do better in certain aspects. Aside from my major goal, The Thesis, my hope is to make sure I'm physically and emotionally healthy enough to get good focused work done without my brain self-sabotaging for days at a time. My hope is to write some fiction, lest I tend towards a soulless existence like I do. It doesn't have to be good fiction, it just has to function as my way of processing the world, as it has always been. I will need that in my life, undeniably.
My future goals include building relationships with professionals in the area and bolster my contacts in schools, so that when jobs come up I know where I need to go. My hope is to actually have relationships with my friends that include more than a sad, "I miss you..." "Me tooo..." every week or so. Despite my introverted nature and my tendency to take jobs that put me in casual contact with a lot of different people every day, I do actually need some of that small group or one-on-one friend time. I may or may not have forgotten about that need at points during the year, always to my detriment.
There is always something to improve on. On my good days, I don't take this as a terrible thing. Not ever being perfect is a part of being human. My hope is to have the good days outnumber the bad ones, even if I have to force it sometimes.
Here's hoping that I'll be able to record some of that journey and share my road with you.
Disclaimer: I have been sorta okay at keeping politics out of posts where it doesn't belong, but there comes a time when I have to discuss it. I will also discuss religion in the course of it, and how I believe those two should intersect. I value respectful discourse and will do my best to keep my comments within that boundary, but I have strong opinions and often use strong language to support them. I would love to hear from different perspectives in the comments, however.
Okay, so I am starting to believe that Christians just need to take a step back from politics and reevaluate our life choices. Here's why: At the beginning of this year, I was rather desperately trying to stay apolitical. I didn't want any part of the shit show, for one. I also wanted to maintain relationships with those who may not agree with me. Then came Donald Trump.
Suddenly, not speaking out against him seemed impossible. As Brandon, the man who runs the popular blog/Facebook page "Humans of New York" (normally also a neutral site) said so eloquently, I considered the rise of Donald Trump a deeply moral issue. The rhetoric, the actions, the history of discrimination, the blatant misogyny, the Twitter account... everything about him deeply offended my sense of justice, love, and respect.
So I started speaking out against it. Not so far as supporting another candidate at first, but definitely always, "please start seeing this." I did this mostly on Facebook, because honestly, that's where most of my friends and family who are stoutly conservative and stalwart Christians are. I knew, even then, that the way that Christians - Evangelicals in particular - reacted to this election would sway the results. And sure enough, all the major Evangelical political players started aligning themselves with Trump, as he consistently won the primaries and eventually the nomination.
Not to say that Hillary was like, SO MUCH better. I mean, I will say right out that I voted for her because I started the year solidly on the "Anyone But Trump" train, and stayed on that train until the bitter (for me) end. I can't say for certain that anything would have been that much better with her at the reigns. I truly believe that no matter who won, at least half of the country would feel badly done by the results. This whole mess was too divisive to end any other way.
The divisive nature of this dumpster fire of an election cycle is actually what I really want to talk about, and why I think that many Christians need to reconsider how they interact with politics. I definitely have in the months of contemplation since November 8th.
Here is where I start: When we elevate politics and "patriotism" over Jesus, everyone loses. We lose our minds and our ability to love. The rest of the world sees this and loses all respect they may have had left. I have a number of friends who are outside of the "Christian bubble," and many of them expressed disgust Christians who were clearly letting their conservative political values outpace their love. Frankly, I was hard pressed to disagree with them.
I have said it before, and I will repeat it. I love the Church. We are a messy bunch. Not one of us has it entirely right, but I love the motley crew that brings in different experiences and opinions to the feet of Jesus and lets Him sort it out. At least, that's what I hope others do. This year, though, the community of the Church consistently saddened me and made me - a long-time believer, a lover of Jesus and of people, and a defender of the faith - feel as if I was the same as an outsider, unworthy of respect or consideration because I had come to believe a different way.
When I started posting about how morally repugnant I found (and still find) Donald Trump's actions and words to be, you know who responded with the most judgment, screaming comments, and disrespect to me and my friends - many who are also strong believers? Yeah. Conservative Evangelical Christians. Many of whom pastors and leaders that I have worked with in the past, respecting them for years. Some who were as close as family.
And that was before I started actively supporting Hillary, as the next best option, and most importantly, Not Trump. When that happened, the lids came off. There was no restraint. There was no love. People were unfriended because they proved over and over again that they could not see the people on the other side of the screen that they were screaming at as people. We were all just straw men for them to joust against, virtual windmills of wrongness that must be conquered. I did my best to maintain my own standards of respectful discourse, using and distributing multiple non-partisan resources and fact-checks, but it grieved me to engage with the hate over and over again. Eventually, as Election Day approached, I couldn't do it. I went silent and watched the country descend into a hateful frenzy.
Much has been said about the state of political discourse in general, in the internet age, the age of fake news, and anonymous comments, and the age of ideological echo chambers. I don't want to repeat much of that. What I want to emphasize is what I took out of the whole experience.
I am going to make a series of statements that you may or may not agree with. That's okay, but I ask that you thoughtfully consider them:
When Christians allow being right (or being on the political right) to overtake their God-given call to Love, we have officially missed the point. When Christians allow our doctrine instead of our Love to determine our politics, we have also missed the point. Christians are not being "persecuted" across the country by laws that provide protections for sensitive groups like refugees, LGBTQ+ people, or illegal immigrants. Furthermore, if we are using our FAITH as an excuse for legislating AGAINST those groups, we have DRASTICALLY missed the message of Love. Your President does not determine how good of a Christian you can be. I plan on remaining a Christian for the next four years, despite my current and likely future disagreements with the administration. Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Religion apply to EVERYONE, not just Christians. That means that if a Muslim speaks out against oppression that is being facilitated by Christians, they are allowed to say that, and we as Christians should probably listen. If you think that a registry for Muslims is a good idea, consider how well that worked out for the Jews in Nazi Germany and consider whether it's something that an All-Loving God would condone. Most importantly, whoever you voted for, consider the other side. If you voted for Trump, consider the minorities who are now terrified for their future under his leadership. If you voted for Hillary, consider how the blue-collar Americans in the Midwest felt ignored and devalued by the old political systems, enough to vote for someone who promised to change things (whether or not he delivers on those promises, consider what they meant to his supporters).
As for next steps? My next step is always to keep calling out for Love. I believe the role of the Church is not to gain power in the political realm, honestly. Not that politicians who are Christians cannot run for office and raise through the ranks, and exercise love and humility in those positions. Frankly, we could probably all appreciate a few more people with the Characteristics of Christ in that realm.
But if your goal is to turn America back into a "Christian nation," may I humbly suggest that you start, not at the ballot box, but with the people around you who are hurting and disenfranchised. Put aside race, religion, sexual orientation, or political beliefs and listen to a story or two. Offer no judgment. Instead, offer understanding and empathy.
If you, as a Christian, find that love difficult to offer, examine how you believe you are Loved by your Creator. Examine how you love yourself. If we are called to love your neighbor as ourselves, and we hate ourselves, we are starting at a pretty rough place. It is worth taking the time to get that sorted out so that we can effectively show the Love of Christ to those around us.
Because at the end of the day, that is every Christian's calling. To love. If we don't have that, then we may be hard pressed to maintain the facade of being followers of Christ.
I just realized that I missed yesterday. Dang it. So close to 100% this year. Oh well. It was a fairly productive/fun day, so I am willing to forgive myself.
I spent a majority of the day going hanging things up on my walls since I've lived in the same place for over two years now and I still had a pile of posters and assorted memorabilia waiting to be displayed. Also got all of my souvenir shot glasses displayed, and at least one corner of my room slightly controlled. Only three left to go.
My goal is to get the whole room worked through, because theoretically I am going to be spending much time here working on school stuff throughout the semester. I am not a HUGE stickler on work environment, but it definitely bugs me to glance around while I'm trying to focus and see multiple things on my to-do list not getting done.
I think my favorite accomplishment of the day - besides having stuff to look at on my walls besides my pretty green paint - is that I finally cleared out the trash can that had been used for storing a number of papers for the last 3 years, and can now be restored to its intended purpose: a trash can for my room. This wildly outpaces the snack-food bags I was using as temporary replacements in both capacity and utility. It seems like a small thing. But I very much appreciate having a receptacle for trash items larger than a used tissue.
This may seem like a fairly odd thing to be super happy about. A trash can is not usually that worthy of note. Yet, I am often fighting against a family tendency to avoid trash cans if at all possible, so having one that is big enough to handle the stuff I would otherwise find excuses to keep is somewhat helpful to me.
I realize that there are still many things that I hold onto irrationally; my bookshelves attest to this, being both used to both hold books and display various keepsakes and collections. But inasmuch as I can, I try and go through stuff every couple of years to ascertain if it is indeed worth saving. Particularly in my current situation, where space is precious, and any extra boxes often end up in the middle of my floor with no place to go. It's much easier to throw/give something away if you haven't seen it in four years and not missed it one time.
It's a slow process, but I am getting there.
In the meantime, pictures of what I did manage to find space for in my life:
Two things hit me hard today. One, Carrie Fisher passed away today, which is a terrible loss to the world that needed her indomitable spirit desperately. If you only knew her as Princess Leia, take a second and Google some of her other life accomplishments, and some of the impact she had in a Hollywood culture that vastly favors men. Most importantly, look at how she talked about her mental illness candidly and with no apologies for touching on a subject so many view as taboo.
Second, I read another article about the Ghost Ship fire that happened in Oakland at the beginning of the month. It was an event that highlighted a lot of issues within the Bay Area, and urban areas in general. Gentrification, lack of artistic support, and no value for the creative people trying to eke out a living in an increasingly expensive and unsafe environment.
These connected in my mind, but I'll get to that in a second.
This particular article focused on this from a faith-based perspective, which I appreciate because I feel like very few people in the Church really harp on creativity. Sure we go on and on about doctrine and the fine points of theology. No one seems to mention the fact that we happen to believe in an inherently creative God, and it should follow that all our human creativity is God-breathed. It is an act of seeing something that does not exist in the physical realm and making it exist, whether it is a painting, a sculpture, a dance, or a book. Isn't that kinda what God did in Genesis? Bringing beauty and wonderous sights out of nothingness and making them real?
The argument goes that the Church should very much create a space for creative people. For those who living on the margins of society, because American society still has that great old Puritan legacy of art being "frivolous" or even better, "dangerous". Because it is ALWAYS dangerous to a black and white society to have people seeing things in the gray areas of life.
As it happens, creativity and mental health issues are often linked, though not how people usually think. Research shows that people with relatives who are mentally ill in their direct genetic line often display traits of being highly creative. The author of this article describes being creative as displaying the neurological openness that often characterizes mental illness but also having the positive intellectual traits that help navigate the chaos of all that stimuli and translate it into creative thought.
What links the two is the ability to see things beyond what others see. To connect ideas that no one else would think to connect. To create art that makes people take a step back and wonder, "why have I never thought of it that way before?" That is the beauty of viewing art. It takes us outside of ourselves and shows us new perspectives.
The beauty of creating art is often the same. As a writer, I create worlds that didn't exist before I dreamed them up. They may or may not make sense, but they're real to me. I can picture them. Or, I create versions of the world as I see it. I create people who end up doing things that I do not expect them to, even though I'm technically the one who is making them exist. In a rewrite of the novel I hope to publish, I realized that I had to completely rewrite the entire sequence of a relationship because I had both characters doing things they didn't actually want to do. When writing the new plot line, it became so easy to come up with how they would handle the situations that I barely had to put any thought into it. It just happened naturally.
This seeing of things is a theme throughout artistic expression. I was reminded of this, one of my favorite spoken word poems:
Carrie Fisher was another who spoke openly about living with bipolar, in a candid way that often made others much more comfortable discussing their own struggles. She was a highly creative person, with a devastating wit, and she used it to break down barriers that many took for granted. Talking about these issues so often paints those with mental illnesses as somehow bad for not being able to control what their brain tells them to do. She didn't care. She put them in a light that said, "this is what I have to deal with, and so I deal with it because I have no other choice." She is the perfect example of hitting the bottom and coming back stronger than ever.
Here then, is my question: Why aren't Christians talking about this side of creativity? The creative nature of hitting the bottom and coming back better falls into our entire belief system of the redemptive nature of God. It is a narrative that the American Church somehow suppresses, though. Particularly in the case of a drug addiction or mental health struggle. I don't get it. The amount of times I've heard either that there is no help for those people, or that they can somehow work their way out of it without help, "they just need a little bit of God's grace and mercy" is astounding. I'm not denouncing God's grace or mercy. I am simply pointing out that maybe, just maybe, God created us as a community to help those people complete His redemptive work in their lives through support, not judgment of things they cannot control.
I am fairly certain that Carrie did not believe in God the way I do. I don't actually think it matters. I find God even in the places He is not looked for - which, by the way, is another reason I believe the Church needs to support the artistic community even if they don't believe the same way. God is not restricted by the four walls of the church. I find God even in the work of those who vehemently deny His existence.
I find God's redemptive nature in Carrie's story. I find His passion for justice and an understanding of His beauty that few have. Carrie fought against those who criticized her appearance as she got older, speaking out against those who somehow expected her to stay 19 forever. She provided women with a strong female role model who lived outside of the box, something many female creators have valued highly, myself included. She proved that we don't all have to fit the mold of what people expect from women. We can be ourselves, loud and messy and brilliant, and that's okay.
This is where I see this connecting. Creative people are so often criticized for not fitting the mold. For not thinking the same way that most do, for seeing the world in a different light, often a light of their own creation. It baffles me. Why is this criticized, when this is the beauty of life? Why are we as a culture so afraid of people who see wildly radical things and have the audacity to believe they could be real? Why do we find it necessary to stigmatize anyone whose brain works differently?
I say this not only to the Church but to the world at large. I just think the Church has less of an excuse. If you say that you believe in a creative God, value what He values. Put down the Evangelical Puritan beliefs that produce the boring sameness of "art" that makes the rest of the world mock you.
Sit down and listen to those who are already creating new, innovative things. Listen to their perspective. Support their endeavors. Don't force them to live in the shadows, in communities that feed their souls, but put their lives in danger.
The same goes for those with mental illness. Sit down and listen. Let them tell you how their mind works, and hold off on suggesting ways that they can make it listen better - unless you have a background in psychology. Support via a kind ear often means more than anything. Letting them get their story into the light without judgment is the necessary first step to them meeting it head on.
I was not able to deal with my depression until I stopped denying that I had it. That denial took up much of the energy I didn't have, and made everything worse. I couldn't meet it head-on and flip it the psychological bird until it was out and I could see it in front of me, separate it from my identity and force myself towards optimism. I choose to find joy in situations that are devastating. I choose to find hope in hopeless times. I choose to find love, no matter what.
Maybe that's another form of creativity. Choosing to look at the world through a positive light, even when the world is anything but positive. In that case, it was a rough 2016 for me as a creative person. But perhaps I can, like Carrie Fisher, hit the bottom and decide to come back stronger and more beautiful.
I am home. Not unpacked yet. But home. I am so looking forward to my own bed tonight. Their beds were comfortable, but I am picky. I like my bed.
Beds aside, I am so thankful for the mental vacation, and for the time to catch up on what people have been doing over the last year. Lord knows I wasn't super tuned into what was going on with much of the world. I mean, unless it was on Facebook or something related to soccer.
I don't think I really grasped how totally done I was until I finally let myself just take a few days off of stressing about stuff. Like, I knew in some sense, but I was just holding it off with a stick that was slowly getting shorter. Now I know because I collapsed pretty hard energy-wise.
It made me feel better eventually. I am more ready now to take on the next week, and then the next year. It'll be a long one. Hopefully, I'll squeeze in some more weekends like this to just fully rest. I did not get that so much this last year.
And tomorrow I swear I will try to write about something deeper. It will be a nice introduction back into deep thought.
Merry Christmas everyone! I spent the day relaxing and eating (again, this seems to be a theme here). I go back to regular life tomorrow, sadly. So hopefully I'll think of something on the drive back to talk about here.
Food is my favorite. I mean, food is a necessary piece of life. But also, food is amazing. Especially when it's food that is free (because I am a student, and free is my favorite also). My uncle's way of showing love is taking people out to dinner, and I have to say, after this meal, I feel loved:
Yes, that is a yam that is battered and deep fried. Whoever created this is my hero. Also, the steak was exquisite. I cannot come up with the right adjectives to describe the steak. Definitely best meal of the year.
There's something about good food. It really is like love. So often I just survive, try to eat reasonably, and cheaply at the same time. I am not the best at cooking, so... it's often quick and simple and not really spectacular. So when I get a chance to really enjoy food, I take it. And then I let it sustain me for months at a time.
I am obviously overtaken with this food (seriously, still full 4 hours later). I really cannot think about anything to write about other than how juicy that steak was... so...
Until tomorrow.
P.S. Merry Christmas Eve/Happy first day of Hanukkah!
