Monday, December 7, 2020

Holidailies Day 7: Incomplete Lists

[This is much less of a polished idea and honestly more of a way to process the fact that it took me until I was 31 to finally get fed up enough with my inability to like, handle life at a consistent level and finally get someone to freaking test me for ADHD.]

 Ahhh, the incomplete list. *shudder* The horror. Inevitably, moving always starts with such good intentions. There are some days when it goes great, the list works, and I think, "why do I ever try to do something without a list? It always works so much better!"

Then some days I get sucked down a combination DeviantArt/Kindle Unlimited/TikTok hole for an entire day and don't remember the list exists until approximately 9 PM at which point I try to determine what, if anything, is still possible to do before I go to sleep or what needs to be done before midnight (yes, Duolingo, I will do my lesson before midnight, it just might be at like... 11:45, 'kay?).

Coincidentally, a large part of the TikTok part of the hole I fell down was watching stuff on how ADHD affects people's lives in different ways. Such as, you know, hyperfocusing and time blindness! Two things that have always deeply affected my entire life! Also executive dysfunction! Whoo hoo! *lolsob*

Consistency is really the big thing though, because like I said, sometimes, a list is exactly the thing that will help me cut through all the noise and just do the things. Sometimes it adds an extra hurdle for my brain to jump over before it can do the thing. I do not always know which it will be on any given day until I wake up. 

It's the lack of consistency that makes holding a job difficult, because if I can do the thing when I start that's not at all a guarantee of me being able to do it when I'm tired. I can mask for a good long time too, because I had to survive without the knowledge of what my brain was actually doing for 31 years. It just means when I do finally crash, I crash Real Hard and cannot do anything for like, days or weeks. So. Not ideal. To say the least.

Of all the things that have happened this year, learning this about myself has been simultaneously the most helpful and the most unsettling. I finally have an answer to questions like, why the idea of sorting through papers sometimes makes me want to go hide in a corner, and sometimes I decide to just Do All The Sorting! And why after those very random instances, I get more frustrated with myself because why can't I just do that every time I need to do something?

At any rate, I have no answers, because again, fuck the American healthcare "system." All of the hoops I have to jump through just to get my current prescriptions filled are overwhelming, let alone get new things prescribed that could potentially help me. 

Currently, all I can really do is learn about it and like, try to harness the random moments of energy as they come? Which is fine most days, again, but supremely unhelpful when I need to maintain energy to do tasks for an entire week so we don't end up just tossing loose clothes into the back of our cars and hoping for the best next Saturday. Fun times.

Until tomorrow,


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