2016

I have a bit of a personal creed when it comes to my internet interactions. While those who know me personally can attest to my occasional (or frequent, depending on the day) usage of profanity, I personally hold myself to a higher standard in places like Facebook, Twitter, and this blog most of the time. I believe it's more productive for discourse with a wider range of people. I also believe in choosing my words carefully which usually results in synonyms for those words being used to greater effect.

So when I say that I'm breaking this rule today, believe me when I say that I chose these words carefully:

What. The. Fuck. 2016. Why?

Okay, so I've chatted a bit on here about my own struggles this year. It basically boils down to having to prioritize school over just about everything else, including self-care at some junctures (which I stopped because that was not working out for anyone). But I'm not even talking about my life. Just this year, for so many people, and for the world at large has been so spectacularly shitty.

I saw this video today (warning for those who don't like profanity, you shouldn't watch this. It's way less reserved than I am). I felt like it pretty concisely summed up a majority of the truly messed up things. Celebrity deaths aside (RIP Ron Glass and Alan Rickman), let me list out the tragedies:

- Pulse Nightclub shooting
- Police Shootings galore, both black people shot by the police and police being shot at.
- Brock Turner being given a slap on the wrist for the violent rape of an unconscious woman.
- Kaepernick and the circus (not his protest, but the response from the peanut gallery. I'm 100% supportive of his freedom to protest in that way, as I've talked about here).
- Brexit giving the finger to the younger generation of Brits.
- Terrorist bombings in a variety of places.
- Columbian's rejecting a peace deal that took four years to orchestrate because it wasn't harsh enough on the former aggressors (who had already given up their weapons).
- The massive earthquake in New Zealand.

- The myriad of human rights violations in Aleppo and other battles throughout the Middle East.
- The Standing Rock stand-off, with military force being used against a group of peaceful protestors trying to defend land that was given to them (where a group of white men in a much more aggressive, armed protest were treated with much more respect just earlier this year, I might point out).

- Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) about the Presidential Election cycle, results, and the fact that white supremacist groups are still alive and well in this country and they are stoked about the next four years.

That was all just off the top of my head, and I probably missed a lot. It just feels like this year has been a constant barrage of news that makes my heart hurt, or highlights the vast injustices still present in this world on a larger scale.

As someone who believes in seasons of life, all of which have lessons to learn, I have to wonder, what the heck were we supposed to learn from this? Did anything positive come out of this year, or was it just a lot of internet outrage and people dying?

Did we finally learn that perhaps (just PERHAPS), the white population as a whole isn't as completely over racism as we liked to tell ourselves that we were a few years back? Did we learn that this country is increasingly divided, and it's very hard to convince people that we're "One Nation" anymore? Did we maybe, maybe learn that perhaps internet outrage is not the best way to communicate a point?

I realize that I'm posting this on the internet, but I'm also trying to keep the outrage to a minimum. And I'm not limiting that last bit to just one side of the aisle either. There was plenty of it on both sides, and it was unproductive and resulted in a lot of large issues being debated to the point where I started questioning the humanity of people on both sides. Because honestly, how can you say THAT?

This year has been unfortunate in that it has normalized a lot of hateful speech. There was no safe corner here. Whatever went wrong immediately had people on both sides screaming at each other without listening. At one point, I started to jump in the fray on Facebook. I got tired of not speaking up. Despite my intentions to keep it civil, in inevitably resulted in people using a string of terrible logic to defend increasingly irrational opinions as if they were pure fact. Does that mean I stop posting what I believe? No, it just means I moderate those posts more closely, and try to step in to maintain discourse.

Because at the end of it all, after this dumpster fire of a year, I still believe in certain things. I believe in rational discourse. I believe in NOT living in an echo chamber of people who believe the same as I do. I believe in hearing other's opinions and considering them respectfully. I believe in them being equally respectful if I don't agree.

There are a lot of hot-button issues. Actually, it feels like literally every issue right now is hot-button for one reason or another. There's really no way around it. The issues are clearly there, and now we need to talk to them, in a respectful enough way to start finding a middle ground.

It requires everyone getting off their high horses and coming to sit at a table, build the respect necessary for a productive conversation, and then being willing to make some compromises. It requires everyday people taking a stand against echo chambers, and inflammatory rhetoric that builds more walls than it burns down.

I have no confidence that the current political system is going to teach this. Already, it is very, very, very difficult for me to keep a lid on it basically any time I hear certain politicians speak. The outrage is there, and it is banging on the door, and I am trying to funnel it into real rhetoric, real arguments, that actually take a point, expand on it, present evidence, and raise the level of discourse around the issue.

This is not easy for me. I am very frustrated by the increase of hateful speech I've heard around my school towards certain groups of people after this election. I am very frustrated by the inability of Christians in America to calm the heck down about certain issues long enough to actually love people. I am really frustrated by the fact that I still can't look the girls that I teach in the eye and promise they will be given a fair shot in life, because the evidence is currently very much to the contrary still.

I am trying, though. I am trying to funnel all that frustration into rational thoughts, statements, evidence, and solutions to suggest. I am trying to formulate how to communicate respectfully with those around me. As school winds down for me this week, I'll probably end up with slightly deeper posts for the rest of the month. Hopefully. There might still be a few posts that are related to what books I'm (finally) reading, or what games I am taking the opportunity to play, short as it is. Aside from those, I'll try and address some things that are finally starting to trickle through my slightly less taxed mind. So... something to look forward to!

Until tomorrow.

Pieces

So I was going to write something else tonight. A bit of a rant post about 2016 (it'll be fun, eventually). Totally even started it. However, it got late, and I want to give myself time to finish the thought without rushing. So instead I'm going to post the song that got me through some of the roughest months in the midst of 2016 and leave it at that.

This song came up on my Spotify while I was walking tonight (part of the reason I have minimal time to finish this post). I first heard it over the summer during my crazy and slightly longer than planned trip to camp. These trips have happened a couple of times actually, where I go up for "a day or two" and end up staying for at least four days. In this case to the detriment of my work schedule, but it was totally worth the lost day of pay. Awesome weekend.

Anyways, I heard this song that weekend and proceeded to play it on repeat for most of the next two weeks because it was exactly what I needed to hear right at that moment. Jesus is often very cool like that in my experience.

What I love most about the song is that it is so clearly speaking against things that we have accepted as love in the past, that ended up wounding us. Then it clearly says, "God's Love is NOT like that," and affirms what Love should actually look like. And if you don't need that reminder every once in a while, I kinda want to live your life? But not really, because I'm a fan of the reminders. They tend to be the most awesome moments in my life.

They're the reason I can still be something of an optimist after this year is said and done. But, like I said, more on that later.

Until tomorrow.

Driving

Today was another caroling day, which is why I'm just now starting this post at 8:45 pm. Thankfully, this weekend and next I only have one gig a weekend.

Pros: I get to sleep in my bed every night, and my voice isn't nearly as trashed when I have to teach during the week.

Cons: 2 hours of driving, 20 minutes of finding parking (because this place is crazy busy every weekend), 30 minutes getting dressed and waiting for people, 3 hours of singing, and then another 2-2.5 hours back home depending on traffic and how long it takes me to get dinner. Long day.

One other pro though is that it gives a lot of time to think about things, time to process being a commodity I am otherwise really short on. So... does that mean I have something to write about? No, not really. Not more than little wisps of thoughts that didn't stick around long enough to become anything. Welcome to my brain on school.

I will try and start writing stuff down in notebooks this week. Maybe that will help break down this wall against deeper thought that I seem to have put up, perhaps out of survival after last month. Who knows?

Part of it is that I had a lot of beliefs shift and gain nuance, and I'm trying to sort out how best to express them. Part of it is that a lot of things this year were rough, and I'm still trying to figure out how to talk about the ones I'm even allowed to talk about. Part of it is I am having trouble even fully remembering things that I thought were super important to talk about two months ago, or a month ago, because so much has happened even in just that time to push it all out of the way. Thus, the wall. Which I will break done. Eventually.

But now I guess it's probably time to go to sleep so I'm not super groggy tomorrow morning when I'm trying to get work done.

Until tomorrow.

Rest (Really)

You know what I love? Sleep. I really love sleep. Sleep and I, we get on great. Especially last night. I woke up this morning, not quite bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, but definitely less zombie-esque than pretty much this whole week.

Does this mean I know what to write about today? Absolutely not. My brain is still in recovery mode, a necessary stage before I can process any topic at a higher level. Expect a lot of long, deep posts from me in like... a week and a half or so, when I'm done with most of the madness and will have time to process the magnitude of everything that's happened this year.

I have dedicated the rest of the day to soccer, because not only do I have my girls game at 1 pm, I told the guys in one of my senior classes that I'd go to their game which is at 7... So rainproof clothes are my friend. California has decided that weather is a thing that we should probably have now, finally.

Also, in between games I should probably dedicate time to my next task, trying to create innovative ways to teach about figurative language that differs from the "fill in a worksheet" model... or maybe more accurately, Googling innovative ways to  teach about figurative language because as much as I would like to create my own stuff, my time to do so is a little lacking.

In the meantime, I'm going to go back to thinking about nothing right now. Get that last little bit of real rest in before having to leave the house and be an adult again.

Until tomorrow.

Rest (Sorta)

I finished grading papers at about 10:30 am this morning. After staying up until well after 11, getting just over 5 hours of sleep, and starting my day with the third of the energy drink that I didn't consume last night (opened after I realized that the only way I was going to make any progress was with some significant caffeine). I also then got a wonderfully large cup of strong tea on my way to school, that got me through the last 8 or so papers that I didn't manage to force myself through.

If it helps my sanity at all, my master teacher was definitely impressed that I managed to get through the whole stack in the two days like I promised. I don't know how much that actually helps my sanity, maybe it just helps my pride. My sanity is still being debated.

The upshot of finishing all the papers was that I got to come home and do nothing. I watched two episodes of This Is Us, played some games on my computer, drank some rum since I didn't have anything pressing to focus on. It was a beautiful, quiet evening.

One thing I've learned from this whole year of school-related madness is that you have to take these evenings when you get them. Refuse to touch anything school related. Let your brain wander for a bit. Zone out. Relax. Otherwise, you get something that looks strikingly similar to me that last couple of weeks: Whenever anyone asked how I was doing, I just stared at them blankly with a small, desperate chuckle. Two weekends in a row with minimal rest took their toll on me during the week.

So this weekend, I'm going to try and do better. I mean, I still have to do things. I still have to be at a game tomorrow for soccer, but that hardly counts as work. But I get to sleep in. I get to do some things at my own pace. I get to sleep in my bed every night (HALLELUJAH! I love my parents, but I hate their couch). My list of school things to do is finally - FINALLY - getting slightly smaller, and that light is getting brighter.

The more rest I get, the brighter it glows.

And on that note, my bed is screaming my name. Ima go answer it.

Until tomorrow.

Christmas in October

I have been listening to Christmas music since October. If you know me, or have talked to me about music and Christmas anytime in the last 15 years or so, OR have read this blog where I inevitably touch on the subject as least ONCE, you know this is very unusual. I am typically the Scroogiest of Scrooges about Christmas music, particularly when I am involved in performing it during the season, and therefore required to sing certain songs repeatedly.

Yet there I was, on October 20-something, listening to Christmas music happily and liking it. 

So weird. It honestly freaked me out a little bit.

But then I started thinking about why. For one, a ton of Christmas music came out early this year, at least from the artists I like. Late October saw JJ Heller and Pentatonix come out with full-length albums, both of which I am contractually required to acquire ASAP and listen to until the cows come home. It's in the fangirl contract. And honestly, how can you not want to listen to this song 50 times in a row? 

Then, of course, I committed to singing for my mom's business, but because I had such a short lead in time in terms of rehearsing, I hadn't been hearing these same songs since mid-October like normal. So there wasn't the traditional over-saturation that I usually experience at this time. 

The biggest reason though is more likely that this has been a really, really, really long year. Starting in January, when I decided that doing an intensive workout program at the same time as school, through the summer where I was working 30 hours a week, and in school for 15 weeks straight with no breaks, and jumping right into Student Teaching after about 4 days of a break... Add in a generous dose of personal drama, and the worldwide dumpster fire of the year itself, and you have a very weary Alanna, even by October when Christmas music started coming out.

At that point, I started listening to it and thinking, "what is wrong with me? I never do this..." It wasn't just because I love JJ and PTX (or Josh Garrells and Rend Collective when they released their albums later). I think it was also largely because I was so desperate for the year to be over, even in October. 

It's not because I didn't enjoy the last bit of my Student Teaching. In fact, it was considerably more fun than the first half of the semester, because I was more settled into the routine and I got to know the students better. I got better at teaching, and hopefully better at adulting to some degree, inasmuch as the definition of doing hard things even when you REALLY don't want to.

I was ready for the year to be over because the weight of everything that's happened this year is making it hard to convince myself that continuing to get out of bed is worth the effort. That will change with actual rest and time to process everything, I know. It's just a matter of getting through this last little bit without going insane.

And on that note, I have to step away from this mental break to go grade essays. Speaking of lessons learned... Yesterday, I foolishly boasted that I could manage to grade all the 20-some essays I had still on my docket by tomorrow, not realizing that it would take me much longer to work my way through full essays vs. paragraphs, which took me awhile. So I'll be up for awhile, due to my overdeveloped need to keep my word, even if my word was really dumb.

Until tomorrow.

Reflection

I should not be writing a blog post right now. This is me being a typical student and finding everything I can possibly do to put off the inevitable writing assignment looming. They tell me the semester ends tomorrow, which I laugh at because I'm not really done until the 22nd.

Yet, I still must produce a Reflection Letter about the second half of the semester by tomorrow. This seems like it should be a fairly easy task, no? I write every day (especially during Holidailies). I reflect on things all the time. Writing + reflection = Easy Assignment!

Except for one minor fact. It is really hard to reflect on something when it is still happening at such a pace that you haven't even really had a solid 20-30 minutes (their recommendation) to just sit and think about what you've learned, what you've gained, what Blessings you've encountered in the process. Their language not mine. Mine is closer to, what didn't kill you, because that probably made you stronger, right?

There have obviously been good things. As I reported earlier in the week (can I just use that as my letter?), the amount of time and energy spent on this endeavor is being rewarded, by students who are miraculously showing progress, even with my teaching style that sometimes feels as wobbly as a toddler learning to walk. By getting to glean from teachers who have figured out more than I had realized I needed to know (a very scary prospect for a know-it-all in recovery, let me tell you). By getting opportunities to continue working with the age group even while I'm mega-focused on getting my impending Thesis done and written, through soccer and substitute teaching for the district.

On the other hand, there are nights like tonight when I get home after 8 pm for the third consecutive night (no end in sight for that stat either), freezing cold, tired, and brain dead. Suddenly, the prospect of writing something coherent and positively tinted seems a little bit more difficult, while the fact that I've had this *mumbling* document open and basically blank for the last 5 days is frustrating me to no end.

So I guess I should go do the damn thing so I can stop ignoring my sleep tracker app (downloaded to help me make sure I'm getting enough sleep, or at least track my lack of enough sleep...) which is telling me that I should have gone to bed 20 minutes ago. Poor sleep tracker app, so ignored.

Also, this song is totally stuck in my head now because of the title of this post. So enjoy.

Until tomorrow.