Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Creativity

Two things hit me hard today. One, Carrie Fisher passed away today, which is a terrible loss to the world that needed her indomitable spirit desperately. If you only knew her as Princess Leia, take a second and Google some of her other life accomplishments, and some of the impact she had in a Hollywood culture that vastly favors men. Most importantly, look at how she talked about her mental illness candidly and with no apologies for touching on a subject so many view as taboo.

Second, I read another article about the Ghost Ship fire that happened in Oakland at the beginning of the month. It was an event that highlighted a lot of issues within the Bay Area, and urban areas in general. Gentrification, lack of artistic support, and no value for the creative people trying to eke out a living in an increasingly expensive and unsafe environment.

These connected in my mind, but I'll get to that in a second.

This particular article focused on this from a faith-based perspective, which I appreciate because I feel like very few people in the Church really harp on creativity. Sure we go on and on about doctrine and the fine points of theology. No one seems to mention the fact that we happen to believe in an inherently creative God, and it should follow that all our human creativity is God-breathed. It is an act of seeing something that does not exist in the physical realm and making it exist, whether it is a painting, a sculpture, a dance, or a book. Isn't that kinda what God did in Genesis? Bringing beauty and wonderous sights out of nothingness and making them real?

The argument goes that the Church should very much create a space for creative people. For those who living on the margins of society, because American society still has that great old Puritan legacy of art being "frivolous" or even better, "dangerous". Because it is ALWAYS dangerous to a black and white society to have people seeing things in the gray areas of life.

As it happens, creativity and mental health issues are often linked, though not how people usually think. Research shows that people with relatives who are mentally ill in their direct genetic line often display traits of being highly creative. The author of this article describes being creative as displaying the neurological openness that often characterizes mental illness but also having the positive intellectual traits that help navigate the chaos of all that stimuli and translate it into creative thought.

What links the two is the ability to see things beyond what others see. To connect ideas that no one else would think to connect. To create art that makes people take a step back and wonder, "why have I never thought of it that way before?" That is the beauty of viewing art. It takes us outside of ourselves and shows us new perspectives.

The beauty of creating art is often the same. As a writer, I create worlds that didn't exist before I dreamed them up. They may or may not make sense, but they're real to me. I can picture them. Or, I create versions of the world as I see it. I create people who end up doing things that I do not expect them to, even though I'm technically the one who is making them exist. In a rewrite of the novel I hope to publish, I realized that I had to completely rewrite the entire sequence of a relationship because I had both characters doing things they didn't actually want to do. When writing the new plot line, it became so easy to come up with how they would handle the situations that I barely had to put any thought into it. It just happened naturally.

This seeing of things is a theme throughout artistic expression. I was reminded of this, one of my favorite spoken word poems:


Carrie Fisher was another who spoke openly about living with bipolar, in a candid way that often made others much more comfortable discussing their own struggles. She was a highly creative person, with a devastating wit, and she used it to break down barriers that many took for granted. Talking about these issues so often paints those with mental illnesses as somehow bad for not being able to control what their brain tells them to do. She didn't care. She put them in a light that said, "this is what I have to deal with, and so I deal with it because I have no other choice." She is the perfect example of hitting the bottom and coming back stronger than ever.

Here then, is my question: Why aren't Christians talking about this side of creativity? The creative nature of hitting the bottom and coming back better falls into our entire belief system of the redemptive nature of God. It is a narrative that the American Church somehow suppresses, though. Particularly in the case of a drug addiction or mental health struggle. I don't get it. The amount of times I've heard either that there is no help for those people, or that they can somehow work their way out of it without help, "they just need a little bit of God's grace and mercy" is astounding. I'm not denouncing God's grace or mercy. I am simply pointing out that maybe, just maybe, God created us as a community to help those people complete His redemptive work in their lives through support, not judgment of things they cannot control.

I am fairly certain that Carrie did not believe in God the way I do. I don't actually think it matters. I find God even in the places He is not looked for - which, by the way, is another reason I believe the Church needs to support the artistic community even if they don't believe the same way. God is not restricted by the four walls of the church. I find God even in the work of those who vehemently deny His existence.

I find God's redemptive nature in Carrie's story. I find His passion for justice and an understanding of His beauty that few have. Carrie fought against those who criticized her appearance as she got older, speaking out against those who somehow expected her to stay 19 forever. She provided women with a strong female role model who lived outside of the box, something many female creators have valued highly, myself included. She proved that we don't all have to fit the mold of what people expect from women. We can be ourselves, loud and messy and brilliant, and that's okay.

This is where I see this connecting. Creative people are so often criticized for not fitting the mold. For not thinking the same way that most do, for seeing the world in a different light, often a light of their own creation. It baffles me. Why is this criticized, when this is the beauty of life? Why are we as a culture so afraid of people who see wildly radical things and have the audacity to believe they could be real? Why do we find it necessary to stigmatize anyone whose brain works differently?

I say this not only to the Church but to the world at large. I just think the Church has less of an excuse. If you say that you believe in a creative God, value what He values. Put down the Evangelical Puritan beliefs that produce the boring sameness of "art" that makes the rest of the world mock you.

Sit down and listen to those who are already creating new, innovative things. Listen to their perspective. Support their endeavors. Don't force them to live in the shadows, in communities that feed their souls, but put their lives in danger.

The same goes for those with mental illness. Sit down and listen. Let them tell you how their mind works, and hold off on suggesting ways that they can make it listen better - unless you have a background in psychology. Support via a kind ear often means more than anything. Letting them get their story into the light without judgment is the necessary first step to them meeting it head on.

I was not able to deal with my depression until I stopped denying that I had it. That denial took up much of the energy I didn't have, and made everything worse. I couldn't meet it head-on and flip it the psychological bird until it was out and I could see it in front of me, separate it from my identity and force myself towards optimism. I choose to find joy in situations that are devastating. I choose to find hope in hopeless times. I choose to find love, no matter what.

Maybe that's another form of creativity. Choosing to look at the world through a positive light, even when the world is anything but positive. In that case, it was a rough 2016 for me as a creative person. But perhaps I can, like Carrie Fisher, hit the bottom and decide to come back stronger and more beautiful.

Until tomorrow.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Home

I am home. Not unpacked yet. But home. I am so looking forward to my own bed tonight. Their beds were comfortable, but I am picky. I like my bed.

Beds aside, I am so thankful for the mental vacation, and for the time to catch up on what people have been doing over the last year. Lord knows I wasn't super tuned into what was going on with much of the world. I mean, unless it was on Facebook or something related to soccer.

I don't think I really grasped how totally done I was until I finally let myself just take a few days off of stressing about stuff. Like, I knew in some sense, but I was just holding it off with a stick that was slowly getting shorter. Now I know because I collapsed pretty hard energy-wise.

It made me feel better eventually. I am more ready now to take on the next week, and then the next year. It'll be a long one. Hopefully, I'll squeeze in some more weekends like this to just fully rest. I did not get that so much this last year.

And tomorrow I swear I will try to write about something deeper. It will be a nice introduction back into deep thought.

Until tomorrow.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Merry

Merry Christmas everyone! I spent the day relaxing and eating (again, this seems to be a theme here). I go back to regular life tomorrow, sadly. So hopefully I'll think of something on the drive back to talk about here.

Until tomorrow.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Food

Food is my favorite. I mean, food is a necessary piece of life. But also, food is amazing. Especially when it's food that is free (because I am a student, and free is my favorite also). My uncle's way of showing love is taking people out to dinner, and I have to say, after this meal, I feel loved:


Yes, that is a yam that is battered and deep fried. Whoever created this is my hero. Also, the steak was exquisite. I cannot come up with the right adjectives to describe the steak. Definitely best meal of the year.

There's something about good food. It really is like love. So often I just survive, try to eat reasonably, and cheaply at the same time. I am not the best at cooking, so... it's often quick and simple and not really spectacular. So when I get a chance to really enjoy food, I take it. And then I let it sustain me for months at a time.

I am obviously overtaken with this food (seriously, still full 4 hours later). I really cannot think about anything to write about other than how juicy that steak was... so...

Until tomorrow.

P.S. Merry Christmas Eve/Happy first day of Hanukkah!

Friday, December 23, 2016

Chillin'

I did nothing of lasting importance today, and it was great. I didn't even open the internet browser on my computer until I realized I should probably write this blog post. Not that I fully disconnected, because I still have my phone. I interacted with the world. I just also interacted with this video game called Stardew Valley.

Seriously, this game is quickly becoming my favorite. It's a farming simulator meets an adventure RPG, with some suspense and mystery tossed in. It also looks super cool, like a smoother retro 8-Bit DOS game. Very simple, but with a lot of different options for gameplay. Very fun.

Anyways, aside from tending my digital farm, I also hung out with my family some. You know, because human contact is sometimes a helpful thing. I'm in Reno, and my uncle is a member of a casino, so I got to play some slots for free and get $5 out of it (the only way I gamble because otherwise, I don't have the money to burn). Then he also had a gift card for their regular kid-like arcade, which I used to much better effect. I think it's safe to say that there is a part of me that is still 10 years old and loves getting tickets and then buying candy with those tickets (which I will probably share, unlike when I was 10, lol).

This whole week, I was getting things done. Taking care of the life stuff that fell to the wayside during the semester/year. Today I declared vacation from everything. I will do more tomorrow probably. And Christmas Day will be more family coming in for festivities, which will take me away. Monday is back home and back to life. So I figured today was the best candidate for a true off-day. Brain turned off, talking only when necessary, and playing a lot of games more than even reading because it takes less mental effort.

I don't think I realized how tired my brain really was until this week. Now that I have had today, I think I'm finally reaching the point where I can come back. Start caring about things outside of myself again. Start planning for the months ahead more in-depth. Start working ahead on my thesis and figuring out what a studying schedule reasonably looks like.

It will be fun. But for now, I'm going back to my digital farm in Stardew Valley (seriously, one of the best cheap Humble Bundle finds ever).

Until tomorrow.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Turning

You know that song in Les Miserables? "Turning, turning, turning through the years..." It's a bit of a sad song about the seasons of life, and how things never get better. Not exactly how I feel right now, but it is stuck in my head, so here it is.


I thought of it because I was thinking today about how things seem to turn out how we really kinda want them to, even if we're not going to say outright that we want them that way.

For instance. I was stuck yesterday between hoping that I would get the long-time sub position that I had interviewed for, mostly because it would have been nice to have something like income for a couple of months. But on the other hand, it was going to significantly push the boundaries of what I could handle, juggling the demands of the job with my classwork, and thesis work, and probably push everything else that I love to do out of the picture.

Then today, when I got the call that I didn't get it (for pretty good reasons, ones that I am not sad about at all) my first reaction was "oh, thank God." Which I think was a pretty good indication that I wasn't ready for it yet. Not that I am not in love with teaching, or that I am not willing to work hard. It just didn't feel right for the season.

I would have had very little in my tank to give to the job, which isn't fair to anyone. I wouldn't have seriously struggled to balance the work, and I have a feeling my own schooling would have been the thing to drop. I wouldn't be able to justify things like coaching soccer, which I seriously love. Dropping that, as I would have had to, would have made me sad, and made it harder to give everything to the job and school.

So life turns on. I am happy with the plan that I have. I already have at least one job lined up with a teacher from the school I student taught at, because my one of my master teachers is also the department head and she put out a good word for me with all the other teachers. I now have a pretty good in with the school I just interviewed with too, because they said I was solidly their second choice for the position, and if I wanted to apply for other things later, I would be welcome.

And now instead of spending the next week madly curriculum planning, I can spend it jumping into my thesis research, getting a feel for what I need to do, and how much time it will take me, and all that fun stuff. And maybe playing some video games before that becomes less of an option again. Maybe.

Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Spirit?

So you know that post about how I was listening to tons of Christmas music because I just wanted Christmas to BE HERE already? Well, now that I've actually had a few days to rest and catch up on stuff, I have changed my mind. If this week could last forever, that would be great. I have no Christmas spirit.

This week has been the week of being able to schedule appointments without three other commitments crowding in on it. This week has been a schedule on my terms. It has been a week of sleep. A week of having time to both accomplish all the things on my lists AND get some zone out time in. I love this week. I would like it not to end.

Alas, end it must. For soon, Christmas will encroach, and with Christmas comes the end of my self-imposed mental break and the beginning of prepping for the semester, whatever that looks like. Fun story, I still don't actually know.

My plan was to just do normal subbing when I could to earn a little extra on the side while working full-bore on my thesis. Yet somehow, I just went to a job interview for a long-term sub position that would be full time, require a lot of planning and the inevitable grading. It would pay a LOT more. Like, enough to maybe get me through the summer without getting a job so I could work on my thesis THEN. But it would also reintroduce insanity into my life a little earlier than I was planning. Which is fine. I long ago learned to thrive on insanity or else live really, really stressed out all the time.

I find out tomorrow if I get it, and honestly, I am fine either way. I already have a plan in place for if I don't get it, because this kinda came out of the blue. I can make a new plan if I do get it. I just get to live for the next 24-ish hours in limbo, which isn't my super favorite. But I can handle it. That's what all my plans to occupy my time are for.

Still, even with all of this, I can't help feeling just a little bad that I'm not more Christmas-y this year. I can't help it. I try and be as enthusiastic as I can when people wish me a good holiday or a Merry Christmas. But I think the most enthusiastic I've gotten over anything Christmas related is the fact that I got Christmas tamales at the farmer's market at Kaiser today and an amazing Secret Santa gift.

Seriously, everything about this is perfect.
I've never been super big on the traditional Christmas stuff anyways, but I try to at least pretend. This year, I don't even have the energy to pretend. I am kinda at the point where I don't care. Christmas is not my favorite. Talk to me on St. Patrick's Day (because hello, GREEN!). I have no children to impress with good holiday memories, be it Club kids or biological children. I will take my time and rest and be thankful for it.

If you want some Spirit, wait until next week because I will know what my future holds and be rested enough to rustle up some enthusiasm about it.

Until tomorrow.