My title is indicative of my attitude about a month ago, when, while in the middle of not only Student Teaching, but NaNo as well, I agreed to also try to fit volunteer soccer coaching into the mix. Because why not? I mean, who needs time at home to do work?
All joking about my insane schedule aside, I actually said yes to the offer because I missed doing things that I love. Not that I don't love teaching. I do. Every time I'm at the front of the classroom or working with students, I'm pretty stoked about it. It feels like the payoff for surviving on peanuts doing anything and everything I could to just be around kids, teaching kids, even if they weren't the age group or subject matter I'm ending up it.
Every single time that I've gotten a job that didn't involve working with kids in one way or another it has petered out within a few months, tops. I think the longest I've made it since graduation college was 5 months in a job without kids. It's either been kids or (often) nothing the rest of the time. And really, it's because nothing else drives me like that possibility for life transformation. The prospect of being "that person" for even one student, the person who said something that changed how they think about the world or helped them understand something... It's a heady idea to think about.
Coaching soccer is my other happy place. Or rather, my happy place has always been a soccer field in some way, shape or form. The first practice I went to was actually on Election Night, and despite all the stress of the day for me and many of my friends, being out on the soccer field was like the best anti-depressant ever. It is a place where I can give my brain a break from focusing on all the things about my life that are out of my control, and focus instead on the sights and sounds of drills, or a game being played. I lose myself, in a good way, and I missed it when I was away from the game.
Now, a month later, I'm finally starting to learn some things. Learn the girl's names, learn what a coach actually does (because I really had no clue), learn the differences in gameplay and expectations between the different levels of play, learn all those nuances of the team and the relationships, and the league.
Who cares that I could have actual evenings at home if I wasn't doing this? I really don't right now. I was suffocating under a blanket of JUST SCHOOL AND WORK for months, and I was making it, but I didn't have any activities that actually gave me some sort of outlet and it was killing me. Now I've gotten another NaNo, and the associated temporary social life that helped breathe a breath of life into my weariness. I've gotten into a place where I get to know more people in the community, something I've done a stunningly poor job at since I moved to this area. I've gotten a place where for an hour and a half most weeknights I can give my brain a break from the constant chatter of to-do lists and lesson plans and scheduling time into my life to grade papers and...
And it's wonderful.
Until tomorrow.
Monday, December 5, 2016
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Of Kittens and Couches
I've realized that the last two posts have ended without a real point, or reasoning for why I tied all those thoughts together. Mostly because the addition of caroling to my weekends (first post) makes my insane schedule even crazier, for all that it makes me money, provides some fun, and is good leadership experience when I'm singing gigs where I'm the defacto leader by virtue of experience and knowledge of the music.
Then that leads to extra exhaustion (second post), because not only am I expending the energy of performing, but I'm also doing super fun things like sleeping on my parent's couch. The couch is not like, my favorite couch in the world. It is designed to be sat on in the specific sections, not slept on length-wise. It also puts me in the middle of all the hub bub of six people on diverse schedules, two dogs, five resident cats, and one foster kitten who spends the night in a crate in the living room being very loudly sad that he cannot be out wandering the house and sleeping on top of me.
I'm still trying to figure out if I get more or less rest during the week, where my sleeping schedule has degraded to around 6-7 hours a night, waking up at 5 am when my poor night owl body is still very happy being in bed. It's kinda a toss-up, honestly.
Thankfully, the next couple of weekends I'm just singing Sundays because I have places to be on those Saturdays. Which simply means long driving days, which I can handle.
And now it is time to start getting ready for gig #3 on the weekend. And driving home after that, to hopefully get a reasonable amount of sleep in my quiet, comfortable bed.
Until tomorrow.
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Exhaustion
I've spent a lot of my life being pretty exhausted a lot of the time. Having depression and not knowing it for almost 10 years through junior high, high school, and college will do that for you. My depression has always, always presented as bone-crushing weariness with life that makes it difficult to actually do anything productive, let alone get ahead in stuff like chores and homework.
I didn't really understand why I somehow couldn't make myself function at the level that was expected of me in my youth without caffeine; even as early as 12 or 13, I had discovered that soda could not only make it easier for me to focus but also make it possible to attain the level of hyperactivity my friends naturally exhibited. When I got home I could collapse, but when I was hanging out with people, it was all about getting enough fake energy into my bloodstream.
Same with homework. If I could drink enough soda to kick my brain into gear, I could get everything done. More often than not, though, it was just enough to get by, and frustratingly not the extra that I knew I could do if I just could have gotten around to it perhaps the night before it was due.
I have always been very analytical about my caffeine consumption. I almost treat it as another over the counter medicine that I take. I know about how many milligrams of caffeine is in the coffee I drink most mornings versus how much is in an energy drink, tea, or a regular soda. I know which drinks affect me fastest, ala different types of hard alcohol. If I want to get buzzed super quick from booze, I drink tequila because one drink is more than enough. If I want to get that mental zing in the next half an hour because I have a paper to write, I slam a half an energy drink or a shot (or two) of espresso.
Starting in college, it became about the most efficient ways to get it into my system. Caffeine pills were not out of the question, though I recognized the slippery slope there and avoided them unless something like a sickness or trying to keep my voice alive for a performance kept me from drinking my normal stuff. Excedrin became my emergency, "I have nothing in the house and a caffeine headache" go to.
At some point in those four years, I realized I was probably legitimately addicted to caffeine and made attempts to either go cold turkey or back off my consumption severely on breaks to at least try and salvage some semblance of natural energy production. Whether or not that actually worked is somewhat up for debate, because I always go back.
I worked hard after I moved out of my parent's house to deal with this because 1) I had less than no money, and 2) I needed to be able to be more consistently functional to do fun things like hold a job and support myself on some level. A combination of actual depression medication and working out a lot of my previously totally ignored emotional issues helped with that. Did you know that completely repressing a lot of different strong emotions all at once is kinda exhausting? Neither did I, until I started working through them and noticed the difference. I even managed to get off the meds after a couple of years, which was a goal because I wasn't a huge fan of the side effects, as much as the meds helped.
I had also managed to successfully taper off my usage of energy drinks for a good couple of years before starting my Masters program. I still had them every once in a while, but not with the frequency, and often I would open one can and just sip on it for like, three days whenever I was feeling slow. I never fully got off of it, though, unfortunately. And then school hit.
Suddenly it was all back. Too much stuff to do, too many new tasks to handle, and I jumped on the energy drink train hardcore. Also the coffee train, which was one that I had stayed away from, not liking coffee for most of my life (this changed when I went to Italy and discovered real espresso, but that's a different story.
I have spent a good portion of this semester trying to moderate my consumption, after a summer of pumping myself full of various high-caffeine drinks to survive my newly early alarms, my ridiculous school workload, and the summertime drama that made all of that even more difficult to process. I even went completely cold turkey for a couple of weeks, until my first assessment was due and I realized the reason I still drink caffeine is because higher level thought happens much better with it than without it. Unfortunately, I don't see that changing any time soon, though I am still going to try and keep it at least within the bounds of moderate consumption, instead of, you know, 4 shots of espresso a day in various forms, or a couple of energy drinks instead of just one. It gets to a point where it's just not worth it anymore, and then I'm still tired.
That's what it all comes down to, really. Even with all this, I'm still tired all the time. It's been quite possibly the longest year of my life, with the possible exception of the year my sister and nephews died. But that happened in May, and this year has pretty much been insane since January. It's been school, yes. It's been work, and the drama associated with getting prepared to leave in August for student teaching, which brings us back to school... and on top of that, you know, still trying to be a person with functioning feelings and the time to occasionally stay at home for a few hours to rest. Minor details.
So exhaustion is where I'm left, clinging to the last vestiges of my willpower. Even though has grown a LOT out of necessity this year, it's almost gone. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to need a full week of just absolute nothing except for self-care activities to decompress from this year. Whether or not I'll get that is still up for debate, but at the very least, I get Christmas, a day which I'm looking forward to not out of a super-developed Christmas spirit, but because it represents the time when I finally, finally get to stop for a minute and just be.
Until tomorrow.
I didn't really understand why I somehow couldn't make myself function at the level that was expected of me in my youth without caffeine; even as early as 12 or 13, I had discovered that soda could not only make it easier for me to focus but also make it possible to attain the level of hyperactivity my friends naturally exhibited. When I got home I could collapse, but when I was hanging out with people, it was all about getting enough fake energy into my bloodstream.
Same with homework. If I could drink enough soda to kick my brain into gear, I could get everything done. More often than not, though, it was just enough to get by, and frustratingly not the extra that I knew I could do if I just could have gotten around to it perhaps the night before it was due.
I have always been very analytical about my caffeine consumption. I almost treat it as another over the counter medicine that I take. I know about how many milligrams of caffeine is in the coffee I drink most mornings versus how much is in an energy drink, tea, or a regular soda. I know which drinks affect me fastest, ala different types of hard alcohol. If I want to get buzzed super quick from booze, I drink tequila because one drink is more than enough. If I want to get that mental zing in the next half an hour because I have a paper to write, I slam a half an energy drink or a shot (or two) of espresso.
Starting in college, it became about the most efficient ways to get it into my system. Caffeine pills were not out of the question, though I recognized the slippery slope there and avoided them unless something like a sickness or trying to keep my voice alive for a performance kept me from drinking my normal stuff. Excedrin became my emergency, "I have nothing in the house and a caffeine headache" go to.
At some point in those four years, I realized I was probably legitimately addicted to caffeine and made attempts to either go cold turkey or back off my consumption severely on breaks to at least try and salvage some semblance of natural energy production. Whether or not that actually worked is somewhat up for debate, because I always go back.
I worked hard after I moved out of my parent's house to deal with this because 1) I had less than no money, and 2) I needed to be able to be more consistently functional to do fun things like hold a job and support myself on some level. A combination of actual depression medication and working out a lot of my previously totally ignored emotional issues helped with that. Did you know that completely repressing a lot of different strong emotions all at once is kinda exhausting? Neither did I, until I started working through them and noticed the difference. I even managed to get off the meds after a couple of years, which was a goal because I wasn't a huge fan of the side effects, as much as the meds helped.
I had also managed to successfully taper off my usage of energy drinks for a good couple of years before starting my Masters program. I still had them every once in a while, but not with the frequency, and often I would open one can and just sip on it for like, three days whenever I was feeling slow. I never fully got off of it, though, unfortunately. And then school hit.
Suddenly it was all back. Too much stuff to do, too many new tasks to handle, and I jumped on the energy drink train hardcore. Also the coffee train, which was one that I had stayed away from, not liking coffee for most of my life (this changed when I went to Italy and discovered real espresso, but that's a different story.
I have spent a good portion of this semester trying to moderate my consumption, after a summer of pumping myself full of various high-caffeine drinks to survive my newly early alarms, my ridiculous school workload, and the summertime drama that made all of that even more difficult to process. I even went completely cold turkey for a couple of weeks, until my first assessment was due and I realized the reason I still drink caffeine is because higher level thought happens much better with it than without it. Unfortunately, I don't see that changing any time soon, though I am still going to try and keep it at least within the bounds of moderate consumption, instead of, you know, 4 shots of espresso a day in various forms, or a couple of energy drinks instead of just one. It gets to a point where it's just not worth it anymore, and then I'm still tired.
That's what it all comes down to, really. Even with all this, I'm still tired all the time. It's been quite possibly the longest year of my life, with the possible exception of the year my sister and nephews died. But that happened in May, and this year has pretty much been insane since January. It's been school, yes. It's been work, and the drama associated with getting prepared to leave in August for student teaching, which brings us back to school... and on top of that, you know, still trying to be a person with functioning feelings and the time to occasionally stay at home for a few hours to rest. Minor details.
So exhaustion is where I'm left, clinging to the last vestiges of my willpower. Even though has grown a LOT out of necessity this year, it's almost gone. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to need a full week of just absolute nothing except for self-care activities to decompress from this year. Whether or not I'll get that is still up for debate, but at the very least, I get Christmas, a day which I'm looking forward to not out of a super-developed Christmas spirit, but because it represents the time when I finally, finally get to stop for a minute and just be.
Until tomorrow.
Friday, December 2, 2016
Fa La La La La...
For some reason, there's a major part of my life every holiday season that I rarely talk about. Perhaps because it is something I've done for so long, I never think about my involvement. I sing in my mom's Dickens caroling group, at malls and events, somewhere between 1-3 weekends a year in December. They've been rehearsing in my house since I was 8, and I've been singing with them since I was 13.
This year in particular, it actually is notable that I'm doing this. My schedule is so absurd with student teaching, volunteer soccer coaching, writing about soccer on the side, occasionally trying to spend time at home... add that to the fact that I sang a grand total of two gigs last year and haven't sung in a professional or choral context since then (aside from running a kid's choir at my work, which doesn't really count) and I was thinking, "this is insane, my voice won't survive, I don't have time to drive down there any weekend, why would I do that?" The answer turned out to be money. I haven't been making any as a student teacher and loans only go so far, and inevitably the end of the semester is when that reality starts to set in.
Which is why my Thanksgiving break started with a mad dash to get my voice back to something vaguely resembling good again. The first rehearsals were... rough, to say the least. Not only was I practicing ensemble pieces on my own without any support, I was practicing with a pitch pipe app instead of a piano. The cats were very confused. They kept sitting on the music, which was generally unhelpful and hilarious and made it difficult to focus on the notes.
I powered through, got my voice to a point where I could jump back in to a group and hold my own. Which is good because I sang two three-hour gigs last weekend. And another 7 hours this weekend, one of which is already finished thankfully.
I feel like I had a point to this whole thought, but I have no idea what it was now, hours after I started writing. This is your brain on low sleep, high busyness quota, or something like that.
Until tomorrow.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Oh, It's December Is It?
Hi, guys! It's Holidailies time again! How about that?
Do you ever have those years when it feels like every month is simultaneously really long, and goes by really fast? December snuck up on me because the last two weeks of November were so crazy, but those individual days consistently had me going, "When is this day EVER going to end?"
I know a lot of people have felt like this, but 2016 for me was one of big-time emotional stressors and absolutely zero time to process any of those emotions because of school. So... if my Holidailies stuff this year deals with some bigger stuff, don't be surprised because I'm taking any opportunity I can to work through some of it. I work through issues best by writing anyway.
For now, it's time for a NaNo recap, which will be short because I only wrote 35,000 words. 10K was my last big assessment for school, because I deemed it basically a novel anyway. That left 25,000 of actual fiction. A good 5,000 of that was the kind of story that exists solely to get the weird stuff out of your head and words flowing so that the more normal good prose can flow unfettered. The remaining 20K was a partial rewrite of my 2013 novel.
Rehashing this story was actually really successful for me. When I left off editing this novel last year, because school took over my life, I had a couple of character and plot issues that were gnawing on me. I just couldn't figure out how to fix everything without a total restructuring of everything. Starting with a fresh rewrite allowed me to pull some of those elements in holistically and also to change the direction of one of the key relationships in a way that fit the characters and the story better. Having some of that figured out gives me a good place to jump in and accomplish a lot when I'm ready to go back to it, which is a wonderful feeling.
I didn't win NaNo (it was a pretty long shot with school and student teaching), but making so much progress even in a short amount of time was a great feeling. It was better than last year too, which was nice. It also felt great to write some fiction after months of analytical research papers. Like the feeling you get when you get out of the car in the mountains and breathe in the fresh pine scent for the first time. So refreshing, and such a great stress reliever.
Otherwise, my November was basically school. School and then more school. Some soccer (thankfully!). And a little bit of being horrified by society right now, but more on that later.
Now I have to go do my last few things before my LAST CLASS OF THE SEMESTER tonight (I'm not excited at all).
Until tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
The Definition of Pro-Life
I did a semi-stupid thing yesterday. I read a somewhat controversial Facebook post, then decided to read the comments. Of course, there was that one person (there's always that one person) who decided they wanted to pick on one detail of the post and start something. The stupid thing I did was that I responded. I engaged. I couldn't help myself. He (in this case) was berating my friends, refusing to approach the discussion from a place of trying to understand, and pulling archaic arguments out of his butt and attaching my God's name to them.
I can deal with people having opinions I do not understand. I can deal with people using logic I don't get. I can even deal with people being complete jerks, and not take it personally because that is their issue, not mine. What I do take personally, what I do not deal well is with people being outright mean and nasty and attaching Jesus's name to it. I don't handle that well.
So I engaged. (I said it was stupid.) I didn't reply to all of his comments. It would have taken me hours and others had already stepped up to that battle. But there was this one claim he made that just made every ounce of rage monster in me step up and roar.
For context, the conversation was about Planned Parenthood, and more specifically the way we as Christians and as a culture should treat women who have either had an abortion or are thinking about having an abortion. His original comment was that he was never going to help a woman get to Planned Parenthood to take the life of her child because that was accessory to murder in his eyes. This is a fairly common Christian pro-life sentiment.
I feel that it's important to state for the record here that I am pro-life, and have been my entire life. I believe deeply that babies are people from conception. I believe that abortion is one of the most tragic occurrences in this world. I take no issue with the idea that abortion is murder.
However, I really, really, REALLY take issue with some of the rhetoric and hate that has sprung from these beliefs. This guy was full of it. Saying that anyone who had an abortion was lost for good, could never be redeemed, they had committed the ultimate sin. He posted a graphic video that is basically a scare tactic, and said that he's shown it to multiple women who have canceled their abortions after that. He also said that we should show ABSOLUTELY NO COMPASSION or have any sort of empathy for women who have had abortions, or who are thinking about having an abortion.
All of these are things that I have heard before, often from very devout Christians. This is one of those issues that people outside of the Church often roll their eyes about and tune us out on. Why? Because on so many levels we have either missed the point or hold very strongly to one piece of the puzzle without considering all the other pieces it is connected with.
Let me start with the point I jumped in at. He put forth the argument that the real issue was that, and I quote, "girls just needed to keep their panties on and legs crossed," and that would solve the whole problem. I'm going to start here because it's the part that makes me rage the most, particularly when it is a man making that point. I want to be perfectly clear here, in case anyone is shaky on the biology of babymaking.
Babies are made by two people. A man and a woman.
Do people forget this? I feel like they forget this. Because I hear so often, "oh, she got herself pregnant." Unless "she" is the Virgin Mary, she did not (and for the record, Mary had some Divine help with that, and it was kinda a one-time deal). There was a guy involved, and guess what, that guy has as much responsibility as the woman for the health and well-being of that child. Just because they don't physically grow the child within them does not absolve them of that.
Following that argument, at no point should Christians EVER, EVER refuse to show compassion to a woman who is single and pregnant, because you do not know. You don't know her story. If that child is the product of an abusive relationship, a man forcing himself on a woman, or an assault, or she just made a choice that didn't end up like she thought it would. None of us ever do that, I'm sure. We just don't all end up with the sole responsibility of a kid when we make those choices. Does that mean that we get to judge those who cannot hide the evidence?
The simple answer is, absolutely not. For the love of God, why do any Christians think it is appropriate to stand outside a Planned Parenthood and picket, harassing people who are in one of the most significant crises of their (often young) lives? In what way is this showing the compassion and unconditional love that we are called to show all people as Christians? Please, explain it to me. I don't understand how this follows.
How about we take a step outside of our theology for a second, and actually look at the person. That wonderful, beautiful creation of God, who made a choice, because we are free to make choices, for better or for worse. Or maybe she didn't, she was the victim of someone else's choice. Maybe she is being left with the sole responsibility for another life that she had help creating. Maybe she desperately wants to be able to care for that child but doesn't have any way of making the money to support herself or another small human who needs everything provided for them. What if she is scared to death about the process and has no one to tell her that it will all be okay, and no one to help her figure out what steps to take to care of a child? What if she is still a child herself, as so many are when they find themselves in this situation.
What if all of these women that you are screaming at, calling murderers, are precious children of God who He loves and wants you to love as well?
I want to stress this, very strongly. Being pro-life is not just being anti-abortion. When I call myself pro-life, I am pro-everyone's life. I am pro-life for the mother as well as her child. I want to be all in with helping mothers, no matter their situation, be taken care of, and safe.
It doesn't matter to me if they're mothers who have chosen to keep their children, mothers who are feeling the pressures of culture and responsibility that they don't feel ready for, mothers who are deeply scared of their situations, mothers who don't feel safe in the place they're in and don't want to bring a child into that environment, or mothers who have already made the choice and are mourning the loss of their child. They're all mothers. They're all people I have been called to show God's love to, to be compassionate towards, to show empathy for the situations they find themselves in.
I've thought a lot about my definition of pro-life, what calling myself pro-life means to me as a Christian first, as a woman second, and as a friend to many who have made choices like this and faced hardships either way. I realized I couldn't call myself pro-life if I was not concerned with quality of life across the board, for all parties involved. That quality of life includes health, emotional well-being, and the ability to financially support any and all children you bring into the world.
I'm pro-life because I believe that addressing women's health concerns and providing comprehensive birth control has been shown to be the most effective way to prevent unfortunately timed pregnancies. Not having access to prevention, counseling on health choices specific to women, and education on how to take care of themselves is a huge part of this issue. It needs to be addressed at every level of government and society.
I'm pro-life because I believe that abstinence-only sex education is both ineffective and damaging to the everyone involved. Yes, abstinence is the most effective way to prevent pregnancies. And yes, if you tell a teenager not to do something without giving them a REALLY good reason, they will 99% of the time do it just because. Even if you give them the best reason in the world, they will probably still do it, just because that is how humans are. If you're teaching abstinence only, and nothing else, the only thing it increases is the likelihood that those people are having sex without using any sort of protection or birth control methods. Not a health outcome that is great, for either side.
I'm pro-life because I believe that educating men and women about the physical and emotional (and spiritual, if you are in that realm) results of sexual activity is a necessity. You cannot make a good choice until you have information about that choice. It's logically impossible. Critical thinking requires knowing the arguments of both sides, and reasoning it out for yourself.
I am pro-life because I believe in teaching everyone about the responsibility of childbearing, not just women. This is not something that men get to absolve themselves from. In a culture that so often features father-less families, someone has got to step up and teach young boys and men about being fathers. About how to take responsibility for your actions, just as much as the woman has to because of her biological role in the process. If the Church believes that we have the ultimate Father, why aren't we taking care of this? Though, for the record, I fully support any and all efforts to address this issue, from a religious perspective or not. Women have the responsibility to advocate for themselves, as all people do, but we do need help. We especially need men to step up and take some the responsibility for their attitudes and actions, unconscious or not.
I am pro-life because I believe that a woman deserves compassion and love no matter what choice she makes now, or has made in the past. One of the main arguments that pro-lifers make in their quest to end abortion is the emotional impact on the mothers. That is absolutely spot on. It is a devastating act, whether the women realize it at the time or not. The question is then, why do pro-lifers think that it is okay to berate the women in that emotional state? To direct hate to someone hurting? To make that person feel like it is not safe to come into a place where they could have a conversation with Jesus, who gives us perfect love, and is the only person who could possibly heal their hearts? Hate interrupts healing.
So here is my challenge to you, if you call yourself a Christian and a pro-lifer. Please, do not go around trying to convince women to not have an abortion by trying to scare them. Listen to them, find out their situation, love them, advise them, help them find services, open your heart. Open your home, if you have the resources.
Invest in programs that offer real solutions to these women. Invest in improving the health care system to provide women with the help they need.
Planned Parenthood gets a bad rap, but they provide highly necessary health services to high-risk communities, including preventative measures. They provide education that Christians often refuse to provide. Please do not hinder their work. If you don't like how they do it, do it better, or find an organization that provides the same preventative measures without the abortion option.
Whatever you do, please do not call yourself pro-life and spew hate in the same sentence. Do not associate your hate with my God.
My God is the God who has saved my life with His perfect, unfailing Love.
My God is the one who told me to love the widows, the orphans, the outcasts, and the aliens.
My God is the one who loves His children equally, no matter what they believe about Him, no matter what they do, no matter what choices they make.
He loves you so perfectly. Please communicate that love to those around you. Please communicate that love to His children who have found themselves in the place of feeling like they need to make a choice about whether or not they can sustain another life. Please realize that perfect love casts out fear, and that is what we are called to show these women. Please be fully pro-life.
I can deal with people having opinions I do not understand. I can deal with people using logic I don't get. I can even deal with people being complete jerks, and not take it personally because that is their issue, not mine. What I do take personally, what I do not deal well is with people being outright mean and nasty and attaching Jesus's name to it. I don't handle that well.
So I engaged. (I said it was stupid.) I didn't reply to all of his comments. It would have taken me hours and others had already stepped up to that battle. But there was this one claim he made that just made every ounce of rage monster in me step up and roar.
For context, the conversation was about Planned Parenthood, and more specifically the way we as Christians and as a culture should treat women who have either had an abortion or are thinking about having an abortion. His original comment was that he was never going to help a woman get to Planned Parenthood to take the life of her child because that was accessory to murder in his eyes. This is a fairly common Christian pro-life sentiment.
I feel that it's important to state for the record here that I am pro-life, and have been my entire life. I believe deeply that babies are people from conception. I believe that abortion is one of the most tragic occurrences in this world. I take no issue with the idea that abortion is murder.
However, I really, really, REALLY take issue with some of the rhetoric and hate that has sprung from these beliefs. This guy was full of it. Saying that anyone who had an abortion was lost for good, could never be redeemed, they had committed the ultimate sin. He posted a graphic video that is basically a scare tactic, and said that he's shown it to multiple women who have canceled their abortions after that. He also said that we should show ABSOLUTELY NO COMPASSION or have any sort of empathy for women who have had abortions, or who are thinking about having an abortion.
All of these are things that I have heard before, often from very devout Christians. This is one of those issues that people outside of the Church often roll their eyes about and tune us out on. Why? Because on so many levels we have either missed the point or hold very strongly to one piece of the puzzle without considering all the other pieces it is connected with.
Let me start with the point I jumped in at. He put forth the argument that the real issue was that, and I quote, "girls just needed to keep their panties on and legs crossed," and that would solve the whole problem. I'm going to start here because it's the part that makes me rage the most, particularly when it is a man making that point. I want to be perfectly clear here, in case anyone is shaky on the biology of babymaking.
Babies are made by two people. A man and a woman.
Do people forget this? I feel like they forget this. Because I hear so often, "oh, she got herself pregnant." Unless "she" is the Virgin Mary, she did not (and for the record, Mary had some Divine help with that, and it was kinda a one-time deal). There was a guy involved, and guess what, that guy has as much responsibility as the woman for the health and well-being of that child. Just because they don't physically grow the child within them does not absolve them of that.
Following that argument, at no point should Christians EVER, EVER refuse to show compassion to a woman who is single and pregnant, because you do not know. You don't know her story. If that child is the product of an abusive relationship, a man forcing himself on a woman, or an assault, or she just made a choice that didn't end up like she thought it would. None of us ever do that, I'm sure. We just don't all end up with the sole responsibility of a kid when we make those choices. Does that mean that we get to judge those who cannot hide the evidence?
The simple answer is, absolutely not. For the love of God, why do any Christians think it is appropriate to stand outside a Planned Parenthood and picket, harassing people who are in one of the most significant crises of their (often young) lives? In what way is this showing the compassion and unconditional love that we are called to show all people as Christians? Please, explain it to me. I don't understand how this follows.
How about we take a step outside of our theology for a second, and actually look at the person. That wonderful, beautiful creation of God, who made a choice, because we are free to make choices, for better or for worse. Or maybe she didn't, she was the victim of someone else's choice. Maybe she is being left with the sole responsibility for another life that she had help creating. Maybe she desperately wants to be able to care for that child but doesn't have any way of making the money to support herself or another small human who needs everything provided for them. What if she is scared to death about the process and has no one to tell her that it will all be okay, and no one to help her figure out what steps to take to care of a child? What if she is still a child herself, as so many are when they find themselves in this situation.
What if all of these women that you are screaming at, calling murderers, are precious children of God who He loves and wants you to love as well?
I want to stress this, very strongly. Being pro-life is not just being anti-abortion. When I call myself pro-life, I am pro-everyone's life. I am pro-life for the mother as well as her child. I want to be all in with helping mothers, no matter their situation, be taken care of, and safe.
It doesn't matter to me if they're mothers who have chosen to keep their children, mothers who are feeling the pressures of culture and responsibility that they don't feel ready for, mothers who are deeply scared of their situations, mothers who don't feel safe in the place they're in and don't want to bring a child into that environment, or mothers who have already made the choice and are mourning the loss of their child. They're all mothers. They're all people I have been called to show God's love to, to be compassionate towards, to show empathy for the situations they find themselves in.
I've thought a lot about my definition of pro-life, what calling myself pro-life means to me as a Christian first, as a woman second, and as a friend to many who have made choices like this and faced hardships either way. I realized I couldn't call myself pro-life if I was not concerned with quality of life across the board, for all parties involved. That quality of life includes health, emotional well-being, and the ability to financially support any and all children you bring into the world.
I'm pro-life because I believe that addressing women's health concerns and providing comprehensive birth control has been shown to be the most effective way to prevent unfortunately timed pregnancies. Not having access to prevention, counseling on health choices specific to women, and education on how to take care of themselves is a huge part of this issue. It needs to be addressed at every level of government and society.
I'm pro-life because I believe that abstinence-only sex education is both ineffective and damaging to the everyone involved. Yes, abstinence is the most effective way to prevent pregnancies. And yes, if you tell a teenager not to do something without giving them a REALLY good reason, they will 99% of the time do it just because. Even if you give them the best reason in the world, they will probably still do it, just because that is how humans are. If you're teaching abstinence only, and nothing else, the only thing it increases is the likelihood that those people are having sex without using any sort of protection or birth control methods. Not a health outcome that is great, for either side.
I'm pro-life because I believe that educating men and women about the physical and emotional (and spiritual, if you are in that realm) results of sexual activity is a necessity. You cannot make a good choice until you have information about that choice. It's logically impossible. Critical thinking requires knowing the arguments of both sides, and reasoning it out for yourself.
I am pro-life because I believe in teaching everyone about the responsibility of childbearing, not just women. This is not something that men get to absolve themselves from. In a culture that so often features father-less families, someone has got to step up and teach young boys and men about being fathers. About how to take responsibility for your actions, just as much as the woman has to because of her biological role in the process. If the Church believes that we have the ultimate Father, why aren't we taking care of this? Though, for the record, I fully support any and all efforts to address this issue, from a religious perspective or not. Women have the responsibility to advocate for themselves, as all people do, but we do need help. We especially need men to step up and take some the responsibility for their attitudes and actions, unconscious or not.
I am pro-life because I believe that a woman deserves compassion and love no matter what choice she makes now, or has made in the past. One of the main arguments that pro-lifers make in their quest to end abortion is the emotional impact on the mothers. That is absolutely spot on. It is a devastating act, whether the women realize it at the time or not. The question is then, why do pro-lifers think that it is okay to berate the women in that emotional state? To direct hate to someone hurting? To make that person feel like it is not safe to come into a place where they could have a conversation with Jesus, who gives us perfect love, and is the only person who could possibly heal their hearts? Hate interrupts healing.
So here is my challenge to you, if you call yourself a Christian and a pro-lifer. Please, do not go around trying to convince women to not have an abortion by trying to scare them. Listen to them, find out their situation, love them, advise them, help them find services, open your heart. Open your home, if you have the resources.
Invest in programs that offer real solutions to these women. Invest in improving the health care system to provide women with the help they need.
Planned Parenthood gets a bad rap, but they provide highly necessary health services to high-risk communities, including preventative measures. They provide education that Christians often refuse to provide. Please do not hinder their work. If you don't like how they do it, do it better, or find an organization that provides the same preventative measures without the abortion option.
Whatever you do, please do not call yourself pro-life and spew hate in the same sentence. Do not associate your hate with my God.
My God is the God who has saved my life with His perfect, unfailing Love.
My God is the one who told me to love the widows, the orphans, the outcasts, and the aliens.
My God is the one who loves His children equally, no matter what they believe about Him, no matter what they do, no matter what choices they make.
He loves you so perfectly. Please communicate that love to those around you. Please communicate that love to His children who have found themselves in the place of feeling like they need to make a choice about whether or not they can sustain another life. Please realize that perfect love casts out fear, and that is what we are called to show these women. Please be fully pro-life.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Too Much
Today, I woke up to more bad news. More incidences of violence by the police, towards a specific group of people. An unarmed man was shot on the freeway, surrounded by 4 police officers, none of whom gave him any medical aid for MINUTES after. They said they were going to taser him, and they shot him instead.
This happened on Friday. Two days before that cops shot a 13-year-old boy in Columbus. A kid. It's not the first time a minor has been a victim of this, cops shooting someone before they have had any time to make an assessment of the situation. I've worked with middle schoolers before. They can be big, but they are very clearly still children. Since when did it become to use deadly force in a split second against a child?
Put that against the backdrop of the protests that have swept through the sports world. My world in particular via Megan Rapinoe. The ones that want to bring people's attention to this very same violence. Rapinoe knelt for the National Anthem in Columbus, on Thursday, the day after this 13-year-old was killed. Guess what people got mad about? Not the life that was lost.
It's too much.
I respect the flag. I love this country. I absolutely honor the sacrifice members of the military have made to preserve my rights and freedoms. I respect and honor the members of the police force who have kept me safe my whole life. I know there are people who go out every day to put their life on the line to preserve my ability to live life the way I choose. I am not here to say that what they do is not worth it, that fighting for this country is not worth it, that protecting and serving is not worth it.
But when you are shooting 13-year-olds, unarmed men, choking people who are yelling, "I can't breathe!", and shooting a guy at a traffic stop with his girlfriend and child in the car watching, shooting mentally ill people on the street... At what point do we stop considering that protecting and serving? At what point does it become too much?
When are we going to realize that it's not the "Land of the free, and the home of the brave" if there are millions of black people who walk around scared that any misstep or imagined aggression could get them shot? Are they actually free? Are the police officers who shoot a 13-year-old boy who is running away from them "brave"? Can I say the Pledge of Allegiance in good conscience right now, when "liberty and justice for all" is not being upheld by the people are supposed to uphold justice? When the people who are killing are not being held accountable for the injustice they are perpetuating (this article has a list of killings and what happened to the officers)?
I admit, it took a long time to reach me. I was stuck up here in my bubble of privilege, knowing that police officers would keep me safe, because I am inherently non-threatening to them physically. I heard the reports, I got sad about it for a little bit, and then I went on with my life.
I don't know if I can do that now. It's too much.
I've worked with kids who are black, boys who had some behavioral issues. I worked with them, fought for (and sometimes with) them, protected them when other people wanted to use them as scapegoats. In my neck of the woods, they're fighting against a true white-majority, who teach their kids that the "n" word is a joke, that racism doesn't exist, and by doing so, perpetuate the cycle. I loved these boys, two in particular. They were the hardest to leave when I had to step away.
But now every time I see the news about black men and boys being shot, I see their faces. I see them, with their issues, but with hearts of gold, trying so hard to be the good kids they want to be. I get scared for them. Because I know now that the possibility is that they will be those faces on the news reports someday, if things don't change.
It's too much.
Why is it that the majority of my news feed since Kapernick started protesting these heinous injustices has been about how he hates America? No, he doesn't. He wants America to be better. When Megan Rapinoe knelt in a National Team uniform, representing the USA, why did white Americans flip out? Why could no one in the broadcasts actually say the words "racial injustices", and instead just talked about "the issues"? Why were there more calls for her to step down from the team, instead of talking about the racial injustices that are CONSISTENTLY resulting in black men and women being shot and made to feel afraid every day?
It's too much.
See, I don't think they actually hate this country. I think they love it, and would like it to be better. I think they respect very much the men and women who gave them the freedom to peacefully protest against the system that has perpetuated these terrible acts. I think so, because that's where I am. I love this country. I want very much for it to be the land of the free, and the home of the brave. I want to believe in the standard of liberty and justice for all, of the ideal One Nation, United.
We are not there, though. And if you believe for one second that this is something that will not affect you, no matter what color your skin, or where you were raised, then you are wrong. This is not something that's going away. So how about instead of getting outraged, you sit and listen to the people who have been dealing with this every day of their lives? Take their suggestions about what to do to help. Stop trying to pretend it doesn't exist.
That's what I'm going to do. Because this is too much.
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