13th

I've gone this whole month without posting anything super firey on this blog, which has got to be some sort of record for me. I blame school.

It's obviously time for this to change. Conveniently, I spent part of my official Day of Resting yesterday watching Netflix, which did not just consist of rewatching Friends. I watched the documentary called 13th which was super well done and very eye opening. Not in the sense that it was telling me things that I didn't know, but that it was pointing out things I have known inherently for my entire life and never really considered as particularly harmful because they didn't affect me. Let me explain:

(First off, you should watch it yourself, because it's amazing.)

It is talking about how the criminalization of African Americans is basically an extension of slavery, because of the clause in the 13th Amendment that states that slavery is illegal, except for those who are proven criminals. So naturally, law enforcement in the South (especially) started arresting black men in droves to put them to work as slaves.

This documentary makes it clear that this trend extends through all of American history since then, through the Civil Rights movement, through every major "crime reform" bill or "law and order" philosophy. I can't explain all the pieces, which is why you should watch it. It all comes down to one thing:

Whenever a politician has proposed a bill concerning "prison reforms" or "sentencing reforms" or something to be "tough on crime," it has DISPROPORTIONATELY affected PEOPLE OF COLOR. Especially black men, especially those who are already living in poverty.

This seemed so simple to me when I watched it. This police brutality towards black people that overtook the internet this year is not a new phenomenon. It came to light because of new technology, just like the Civil Rights movement used TV to show peaceful protesters being brutalized by those who opposed them.

This semester I taught through To Kill a Mockingbird and did my best to let the students know, the issues of racism in this book are not resolved. If I were still with that class, I would make watching this documentary a full-credit assignment, because I think it is that important. We as a country need to grapple with this reality. It needs to start now.

Unfortunately, we just elected the worst of the worst "law and order" candidates as our President. The list of why I loathe Donald Trump is long, and gets longer just about every time I hear him speak, but this issue is near the top: He has a long history of discriminating against people of color in his business practices, he spouts xenophobic rhetoric that white supremacists eat up like candy, and he actively encouraged people to violence against Black Lives Matters protestors who showed up to peacefully demonstrate at his rallies.

The videos of white people ganging up on blacks throughout history, especially during the 60s, and the videos from his rallies were only differentiated by the quality of film.

I hold out that the very fact that he was elected means that this country is a whole lot more racist than most white people are willing to admit. I include myself in the ranks of those who weren't willing to admit this, by the way. Because honestly, it never affected me. I saw these things from a distance, and there was no personal experience of the systematic oppression.

I am starting to come around. It's hard not to when you see the vast difference between how a white boy is treated in schools for persistent disciplinary issues vs. how a black boy is. At all levels of school, by the way. Particularly in an area like mine, where the students of color are few and very far between.

I have some other bad news for you. This is not going to get better. Not until everyone sits down and takes some time to speak to the other side. I posted on Facebook yesterday, "when does anyone make a major decision without hearing BOTH sides of the issue?" The answer to that was, unfortunately, the election because it got so toxic that no one wanted to listen to the other side. No one could be civil. No one could see the other side's people as people, not just talking mouths.

As a Christian, I'm starting to understand that this is a personal issue for me, whether or not if affects me personally. I am instructed to mourn with those who mourn. There are countless mothers, wives, children, and other family members mourning every day over men who were killed because we have historically viewed all black men as criminals, before viewing them as humans.

I am reminded of this quote from To Kill A Mockingbird from Atticus. It struck me while teaching, and again while watching this documentary:

"You know the truth, and the truth is this: some Negroes lie, some Negroes are immoral, some Negro men are not to be trusted around women—black or white. But this is a truth that applies to the human race and to no particular race of men. There is not a person in this courtroom who has never told a lie, who has never done an immoral thing, and there is no man living who has never looked upon a woman without desire."

This is what we need to remember. We are all humans. One race of people is not made less human by their skin color. Not blacks. Not Arabs. Not Natives. Not Asians. White people often think, as I once did, that we have moved past that, it's not a big deal anymore, or that "I wouldn't have supported that brutality if I had been alive." We need to grapple with the fact that we are just as vulnerable as our ancestors, and it's not our fault. It's in the culture, it's in our upbringing, it's in the way the news covers crime, it's in the way our political system is constructed to skew towards those already in power. But even if it's not our fault, it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to change it. 

It can be small. It can be making a concerted effort to personally treat everyone you encounter equally. It can be standing up to someone who is spewing bile at people of color, letting the world know that is not okay. It can be by supporting organizations that focus on rehabilitation vs. punishment for those who have been convicted of crimes or supporting education programs for poor children.

Find a way. I am planning on making education my goal, not only for my own students, but also for myself. If I can move to education in those communities, that would be ideal. Find what works for you.

But first, confront your own participation in the system and vow to stand up for actual justice. Please.

Until tomorrow.

Holding

That's what I spent a good portion of my moment doing so far. Holding, on the phone, while talking to various people about all those little bits of life that I kinda sorta forgot about taking care of while I was in school. Or my favorite, the places that were only ever open while I was in school and/or at my various after-school activities. Or the ones that I forgot to call in my margins of time between stuff...

Anyways, so far today I have paid bills, canceled various things, and scheduled appointments for myself and my car to make sure it's not going to fall apart on me anytime soon (something it threatens to do every few months or so). So far, it actually feels restful, which seems odd to me. Doing all these errands are usually the straw that breaks my proverbial camel's back, as it struggles through school commitments. Maybe because I actually have a morning to dedicate to it, with a side of catching up on other computer stuff.

Or maybe it's because I feel like I put a lot of things on hold, even things like physical health which probably shouldn't have been on that list, reasonably. Who needs to go to the doctor when they're under constant stress, don't have time or energy to eat as healthy as I could, and have a history of mental health struggles? NOT ME! (Oh wait, yeah, me. Totally me.) I mean, I went to the chiropractor, and I used essential oils. But like, medical doctors are sometimes good too. Just in case.

Meanwhile, I'm starting to think my plans to wait to go for my walk until it is slightly warmer than "oh God why" outside are in vain, because the high is only 50 today (if you live somewhere else, don't judge. I am a Californian Cold Wimp 100%. There is a reason I don't live anywhere else). So I'll probably just have to layer up and get over it. Walking makes you warmer, right? That's a thing?

I am probably just rambling at this point because my plans to get sleep were slightly upended by my kitten. This morning, he was desperate to make sure I was alive, which manifested itself in a half an hour of meowing, scratching, and occasionally flinging himself into my closed door (which I keep closed to minimize Nighttime Cat Disturbances, HA). Normally, I would be touched by his concern, but he is used to me getting up at 5 am, so his panic happened from about 6:30-7 am until I realized he was determined and begrudgingly opened the door to let him ensure that I was alive to feed him later. Plus side, I had three blankets on my bed (see above, Cold Wimp), so when I tried to go back to sleep and he decided to attack my feet, he couldn't actually do any damage.

Also in kitten adventures, while I was on the phone making appointments, he decided to try a new thing and jump on my shoulders, which didn't work like he had planned and resulted in him sliding in between me and the chair back until he got wedged there. It also resulted in me exclaiming and having to apologize to the guy on the phone. Good times.

But he is REALLY cute

Now it's off to the next order of adult business, finding a way to make money between now and when I start getting paid for subbing next semester. It's always fun trying to find income stop-gaps, when you can't really commit to anything long term. Hopefully something will work out. We'll see.

Until tomorrow.

Almost

Despite the mental attitude of being DONE with student teaching, I have not really been able to rest yet, aside from sleeping in yesterday and watching Netflix for a few hours before starting my day. Today is also no good for that, on account of it being my last day of going down to the Bay to sing (LAST LONG DRIVING DAY!)

But my brain still thinks it is done. It is ready to be done. It is tired. The struggle to resist turning on a video game and tuning out of life is real. At least not yet. I think I'm due for at least, like, one tune out day this week.

This next week will also be me trying to block out what the new normal looks like, schedule-wise. What does it look like when my day isn't dictated by both when I'm in school, and when I should be doing something school related? Well, it will still be dictated by when I should be working on my thesis. So I guess not that much will change. Still, that's also a rhythm that I have to establish in my day, so that when I jump in to the semester, the rhythm will already be there, to fall into.

My initial thought in that rhythm is to kill a lot of trees at first. I noticed that when I read all these long, dry articles on my computer (like I did for the thesis prep class last year), I am much more prone to distractions because there are a bevvy of activities available that are MUCH MORE FUN. My idea is to print out a bunch of articles, using that printing balance I have so much of at school, and then make sure that my phone is across the room playing music and I am sitting with just paper and a notebook and pen. This is just an idea. I haven't studied like this since high school, so it will be something of an experiment. If all distractions are tossed aside, or systematically erased, can Alanna focus on dry research articles for longer than three minutes at a time: A study

So, at least one day of my week of rest is probably going to be spent at the library prepping for that. It'll be fun, or something.

But first, off to the singing of the songs, and the driving of the miles to and from.

Until tomorrow.

Better

I feel a little better today. Sleep, good advice from people who have walked this road ahead of me, and fun, non-school-like things to do today all help.

I went to Rocklin High School's Winter Concert, which reminded me how much I miss singing in my day to day life (especially since they did multiple pieces I've sung before). Next, I'm off to the annual half-reunion/half-Christmas party for a group of college friends whom I love dearly. Always a good time.

I have very little else to say today, so I will leave you with a line that I came up with in the car on the way back from the concert. I have no idea what inspired it, or where I will use it in the future, but I love it. It will certainly make it into a novel some day.

"You are gas station sustenance. You're cheap, I'll probably die from eating you, but you taste so good in the moment."

Until tomorrow.

Decisions

This week has been a bit of a transitional time for me. I went from fully focused on just getting through the day to day of student teaching for the next two weeks, then being informed that I only had a couple more days (long story), then realizing that as this experience ends the next one is right around the corner: The Thesis Process of Doom.

I say of Doom, because going to the meeting last night where we confirmed our topics and were given a "quick" overview of what was in store for us wasn't particularly encouraging.

For one thing, we discovered that the timeline of this whole process that we had been sold a couple of years ago when signing up for the program was a little bit... obscured. They recruit you by saying you'll be done with your credential and degree in 18 months! Just like that! Sure we only schedule a semester for the actual writing of the thesis, but you know, it's okay. You'll finish!

To be fair, I know people who have gotten advanced degrees. I know how long it took some of them to get their thesis done. Still, somehow my brain failed to address the disconnect between that knowledge and critically considering their claim that a thesis could happen in a semester, start to finish.

Last night, the head of the thesis program at the school sat us all down, and the first question asked was, "what will it take to get it done by April 21st, so we can walk next Spring like they told us we could?"

The answer was, "you should have been spending the last year writing your Lit Review."

You can imagine the shock on our collective faces. See, at the end of our first semester, when we had our research class with this professor, she told us that we should probably like, try to read an article a week, or something like that. It would help us out a lot. At least, that's what most of us heard. We heard, "you'll still be fine if you don't, if you focus on all the other wild amounts of work, and not to mention the student teaching experience which is a little bit all consuming."

We did not hear, "if you want to finish by the date we told you is a possibility, you must do this or else your chances are zilch."

We did not hear, "only ONE person in the history of the program [albeit still young] has ever started from just an idea for a topic and managed to get the whole thing done in a semester, and she basically didn't sleep."

We did not hear, "by the way, if you don't finish on time, you have to re-enroll for another 5 unit class to be able to defend it when you do finish [which is currently about $3K]."

All of this would have been super useful to know a year ago. Not because I would have approached the year entirely differently, though I may have at least tried. Honestly, the way the year went, I don't know if I could have changed anything, even if I wanted to. Even then, it would have been nice to know that I was likely looking at a longer process if I didn't put in the extra effort during this year.

It's terrible to learn you could have done something if you had understood the full situation, well after the fact.

So now I have to decide. I will sign up for the classes this semester no matter what. It's the way to get access to a thesis mentor which seems to be the best way for me to have 1) accountability, and 2) a sounding board when I'm stuck. Those are both extremely valuable to me. I know myself too well to forego that support system.

But I have to decide.

Do I try and beast through it this semester, at the cost of what sanity I have left, and a lot of other things like money, social life (what's left after this year, which isn't much anyway), and any plans for volunteering or writing, or anything that really helps keep me sane?

Do I slow the process down, work more this semester, and have to pay extra when I get the whole mess done and I'm finally ready to defend?

Do I forfeit the goal to be over and done with at the end of next Spring, to be free and clear to pursue a teaching job without that pesky elephant in the back of my mind of, "but you haven't finished the thesis yet!"?

The thing is, I am truly terrible at doing two things at once. At least, two huge things. A lot of my stress of the year was from the drastic mindset shift from working on school to my part time on the same day, even at a job I was established in and comfortable in. Also, still only part time.

Based on my student teaching experience, I think it's fairly safe to say that I will not be successful at working as a full-time teacher AND writing a thesis at the same time. So then, my option is to not work any more than strictly necessary as a sub for as long as it takes? Also not great.

This post is basically me trying to work out these choices in writing. Yay for insights into how my brain works!? I don't know, honestly. This all came down at the worst time possible. I am already physically, emotionally, and mentally shot from this semester, this year, this whole school process up to this point.

I think my first decision is going to be this: I'm going to take a week. Take a week to see my friends. To sleep. To mentally recharge. To zone out reading a book that has nothing to do with education. To play a game or two. Clean my room. Impose some organization on my life. To process the magnitude of the whole situation.

And then I'll make the big money and time decisions. When I'm not in shock. Which will hopefully be soon.

Until tomorrow.

Long

That's about all I got right now. Long, emotional day. Long, cold, wet night (with soccer being a bright spot even though I got soaked). Really long, extra stressful evening. More on that later. But for right now I just have to sleep, process, and make it through the end of the week so I can seriously consider my life choices. Good times...

I'll leave you with a video of a song that I highly enjoyed this year. Another that blasted into my life this summer and left its mark, getting me through a lot of stuff this semester.

Until tomorrow.

Surveying

It's funny what endings do to you, even if you see them coming. Friday is my last day of my student teaching placement, and I am stuck between extremes of feeling. Between being relieved that the end of this insane year is in sight and being incredibly sad because I will miss students and my CMTs. Between needing a mental break from the madness and realizing that I am meant to be in teaching, if only because I endured all manner of madness for it and still loved the experience.

It feels like now is *actually* the time for reflection, instead of a week ago with the letter, but whatever. I am planning on doing a couple of things to help myself along the road of reflection on my own time. Probably the biggest of all is creating a survey to give to the students I worked with, asking them to tell me what they liked, what they didn't like, what they wish I would have done, etc. I may add a fun question because I am me and I like fun.

The main purpose though is to get some honest evaluation from the people I taught, because I feel like it's as important as all the observations I had to go through with my CMTs and my supervisor. They're evaluating me from a technical, professional standpoint, which is obviously important. Especially since professionalism is sometimes still a struggle for me. But if I'm not getting through to the students, professionalism and all the other technical stuff doesn't mean a whole lot.

So I will be creating that, probably tomorrow, as I work to run through my last minute end of the semester checklist. If only it would stop growing...  And also, writing better blogs in the near future, when I time to compose them. As opposed to tonight when I am rather desperate to go to sleep, and cannot fully develop the thought. I may come back to it, though. I feel like this is a pretty important one.

Until tomorrow.